I have just taken part in a BBC live five radio chat with Emma Barnett about sex over 60 which I decided to do as a celibacy expert (celibate by choice for 15 years) because in my opinion and experience, the subject of sex in this over sexualized society has become over analysed and as a result truly distorted, especially by young people.
You must admit regardless of what your take on sex is, this world has gone completely mad when thousands of young girls are being groomed, trafficked into prostitution and kidnapped to be sold as sex slaves and young men are learning all they know from online porn, thinking most women are gagging for it.
I was born in the 50’s into poverty where with boozing came danger from older men. It was happening on the estate I lived on but was not talked about or spotlighted in the media. As a promiscuous teenager in the 60’s and 70’s where having sex was as common as having a cup of tea, I have had my fair share of being sexually loose and free, never really putting any value on my actions or considering the risks.
I am with the feminists now at 60 agreeing that women like men should have the right to be sexually liberated, loose and openly shag around if they desire to but I also believe this is not what women truly want, if they are honest and not pressurized by their peers, their biological clock or men.
Females are wired differently to males when it comes to sex, primarily because they have a built in ability to nurture bond and communicate in an intimate way with someone they love, they are natural mothers and carry new life around for months ready to build a nest and a secure place for their offspring. Men are wired, just like in nature to happily spread sperm with more than one partner and don’t need ,in my experience as a woman and a life coach, the same bonding, security and intimate communication that females long for in a monogamous relationship.
We have all had a one night stand when the booze wears off and the walk of shame beckons, the memory of the moment of ecstasy fades and the text doesn’t arrive to say “I love you” or “when can I see you again” never mind “ thank you”, so to imagine a world where everyone just has sex with no commitment or thought, creates what we are experiencing right now, sexual Armageddon.
In my opinion as an older, experienced, wise, happily celibate female, it is time we had the debate in the open and not about whether it is right to have sex over 60 but let’s ask the question
Is it right to have sex without understanding the way it can damage and affect your whole life and emotional stability, if abused and not seriously considered?
I am not a prude in fact quite the opposite but having loose sex without some kind of commitment knowing that at least the man in question likes you and wants to see you again, can only leave any female feeling used, unhappy and not confident in herself going forward, not to mention potentially vulnerable to catching an unhealthy sexually transmitted disease that can last a lifetime.
Sex like any other pleasure should be fun, satisfying and safe creating an intimate private sanctuary where both parties benefit and feel content, secure, confident and more than anything happy, sure why they are participating, so I say always tell everybody I coach, particularly women
“Do the deal before you do the deed.”
Asking a man, before you have sex with him the first time by looking him in the eyes this question,
“Are you using me right now or are you my boyfriend committed to monogamy?”
You are more than likely to protect yourself of that painful period afterwards when having given yourself you never hear back from him because chances are he will immediately lose his erection and is unlikely to be able to lie in the moment.
As a businesswomen I can tell you with clarity it is not possible to do a deal about anything when you are off your face in cloud cuckoo land, so never be so drunk you are not in control of such a massive life choice like giving yourself to someone else, especially a complete stranger. Get back in control when it comes to sex and give that level of intimacy, your ultimate gift, back the value it deserves.
Is it grooming when a man on a first date brings a gift, pays for the drinks all night, buys dinner then drives you home before expecting sex in return or is this what you expect him to do because you are worth it without giving sex in return?
Should you go dutch on the first few dates so as you get to know each other on an equal footing to decide if there is something more there than just a physical attraction because we all know looks fade and that tingly excited feeling when you first meet someone becomes something else at the point when real life kicks in?
I believe we attract ourselves if we are being ourselves, not putting out the wrong vibes in order to just get a mate. Although being yourself may not produce the instant fix it is more likely to produce a long-lasting friendship that will lead to something deeper and much more meaningful long term.
Sex has become an addiction for many and I believe many women give it up because they desire the fairy tale so much they convince themselves that funny feeling inside, the love drug, is real and if they give themselves to him, he will want them.
Of course this is completely skewed thinking and is just not the case.
How can a drunken, loose one night stand with a stranger ever create a long-term union? Remember the Prince is looking for a princess and not a slapper.
A promiscuous vulgar woman, (by definition) is never attractive regardless of her age or any rights for women and its where I know I went wrong in my youth ending up with chlamydia which resulted for me in infertility, one of many silent dangers when putting it about without thinking, a long term problem in exchange for a short term fix. These days I am focused on my purpose, my business, my passion and although I have chosen to give up looking for sex, I am open to the possibility it may be something I will do again one day in the future, never say never but I know I’ll never say yes again for the wrong reasons.
My advice to anyone if you are single, make a plan to give up sex for one year just like you would make a change if you wanted to lose weight and stop being pressurized by others into thinking sex has no meaning and is only there for pleasure in the moment.
Begin to give sex back some meaning to you and begin to regain some self-respect never giving it up until you get a commitment back, especially if it is love and respect you are looking for in reality.
Listen to older, wiser people you respect and trust who have the T shirt and you’ll discover the truth about sex and age is just a number. As we age we still have the same needs and desires as we do when younger, it’s just more comfortable, relaxed and real, as good sex is with the right person for the right reasons.
Take back control of your vagina by questioning yourself to understand what a sexual intimate relationship with another person actually means to you and what your expectations are and what you can accept when it comes to sex without monogamy.
Men love the chase regardless of what they say and I know having been happily celibate for 15 years now, a time where I have been pursued and desired way more than I ever was in my teens, twenties or as a younger woman, I am living proof you can be attractive and desired, even after 60 if you know who you are and what you confidently stand for without using sex as the bate.